Let us be clear that when I say Goddess I am not talking about a being somewhere outside of this world, nor am I proposing a new belief system. I am talking about choosing an attitude; choosing to take this living world, the people and creatures in it, as the ultimate meaning and purpose of life, to see the world, the Earth, and our lives as sacred.” –Starhawk (Open Mind, 2/7)
Today I made sugar cookies with my kids:
And polymer clay ornaments for myself:
I noticed that it snowed more overnight and my old footprints in the woods were covered up and smoothed over. Yesterday, I also noticed how interestingly the snow on the deck rails had melted:
I finally got some work done on my matriarchal myth paper, but it is tedious going. Tomorrow begins the big push to get the school session finished and piles and piles of papers graded. I’m going to get up early and devote most of the day to it.
Even though there is a lot of snow on the ground today, I still took some of my new sculptures down to the woods like I always do to take pictures of them and to “bless” them in that space. As I was taking the pictures and thinking about how I was so busy doing that that I wasn’t necessarily paying that much attention to the woods, but rather to the snow on the rocks and how it was getting on my sculptures, I had the flash of the thought: this is the feminist crucible of the self. This thought seemed was not actually about the act of taking pictures, but rather about the whole year-long stretch of time in the woods. I thought, again, about all the ways in which I have entered that space this year and all the things I’ve carried with me, both literally and figuratively. While I’m still “the same” in many ways, I also feel like I’m a different person than the one who first began this practice. I’ve carried and photographed sculptures, yes, but I’ve also refined both my art and my thealogy. I’ve grieved and mourned and laughed and drummed and danced. I’ve learned about myself. I’ve learned about the world. I’ve turned over heavy issues. I’ve been surprised and delighted. I’ve been scared. I’ve had stark realizations that the woods could kill me as well as bless me. I’ve turned over the stuff of my life and made decisions and had insights. I’ve turned my face to the sky. I’ve watched a snake in the leaves and a lizard on the tree and bees in the air. A spider bit me on the cheek and I still have a mark there right now. And, I keep going and I keep learning new things. Crucible.
I also read this article from John at The Allergic Pagan about an experience with The Gross Goddess at the seaside:
“This is your Goddess,” my wife said to me smiling.
“It’s the slimy side of her,” I responded.
“This is life,” she replied.
It’s strange when a seemingly mundane moment is transformed into a sacred one. I looked at my Mormon wife standing in the ocean, holding a shell, and I heard her speak the words of a true priestess: “This is your Goddess. This is life.”
I’m out of time to write tonight. This is one of those times when what I can do, is what I can do, and it is enough.
Oh yeah, wait, I also want to share that I’m procrastinating terribly on my second paper for my Matriarchal Myth class. I finished reading When God Was a Woman (for the second time) and the assignment is a 15 page critical analysis of the book and the issues it raises. I’m just not that in to matriarchal pre-history stuff and I feel like I’ve read the same things over and over and over again and I don’t want to write about it any more! However, I need to write it. It is one of the last papers standing between me and my thesis/M.Div completion. It “should” be easy enough to write and I have 27 pages of possible content cobbled together in a starting doc for it. I just can’t manage to actually seem to work on it though. Tomorrow is my last chance for a while, because then work kicks up a whole bunch of notches for me until the session ends on Saturday night…
Right before I left the woods today and turned and saw this and it seemed very suitable to my “crucible” thoughts.
“Goddess is Magic, the subtle forces of planets, moons and stars, and the Powers of our own Deep Minds. And She is Our Ability to Call forth that which we have need of, and to banish that which we no longer need. And therefore let us gather together in our communities, and join with the forces within and without…”
–Shekhinah in Open Mind (9/25)
Diane Mariechild, the editor of Open Mind, then goes on to explain the following:
Goddess is the full circle. She is birth, life, death, and rebirth. [People] need the Goddess. The planet needs the Goddess. We need to celebrate and embrace the full circle of life; to know that all of life is contained within this circle. There is nothing that is outside the circle…Goddess is energy, a way of balanced relationship, an openness of the heart that allows us to have a full experience of life, with all its pain and all its joy.
Find a quiet time during the day or the night when you can sit alone and feel the energy of the world around you. Tune into the natural world—the water, the air, the light of the sun or the moon, the trees, the Earth. Can you sense this energy? No need to call it by any name. Sense. Breathe. Allow
Last night and today, it snowed a lot. I was interested to see the juncos–snowbirds–show up several days before the snow, when the temperature was still in the 60’s. They hopped around in the driveway and I told my husband that I guessed the forecast was actually going to be right, even though the air didn’t feel like it! I used up most of my writing energy/time today by writing blog posts about our winter family fun on other blogs. And, today my blog post about my grandmother’s memorial service (which I planned and served as the priestess for) was published on Feminism and Religion:
It was deeply important to me to have multiple voices represented during the small, family-only, service and I enlisted all the grandchildren present, as well as her step-grandchildren, in an adapted responsive reading based on Walt Whitman’s “Song of the Open Road”. I chose it precisely because it spoke to the irrepressible, adventuresome spirit of my grandmother. It was a lot of pressure to be responsible for the family ceremony for the interment of her ashes. I wanted it to be perfect. I wanted it to be what she deserved. I wanted it to “speak” to every person there. I wanted it to be worthy of her. I hope it was enough.
I also found out that my revised thesis prospectus was accepted and I can officially use my Woodspriestess project as the subject of my thesis!
And, I decided I simply must pre-order this amazing-sounding anthology of writings by modern priestesses:
From “Priestessing with Integrity” by Sylvia Braillier:
“Priestess . . . favored by the Goddess, wise woman, sage and a guide to others on the path. Being a priestess is a vocation that honors the sacredness we embody as women. We are fortunate to live in a time when the Goddess is returning and we can represent and support her work here in this world as priestesses. It’s easy to make up romantic notions about what it is to be a priestess. Not to say that some of them aren’t true, but it’s a package deal that includes real challenges and great blessings. When the rubber meets the road, what does being a priestess really entail?
Whether initiated as a priestess within a tradition or by the challenges and blessings of life, certain responsibilities are part and parcel of the vocation. The job of priestess doesn’t stop when you leave the circle. It is a life commitment to accountability and integrity, not only by performing your duties to the best of your ability but by walking in life as a living representative of enlightened behavior and speech. As a priestess, your behavior sets the bar. One of the greatest gifts you can give is to teach by example and live the teachings as fully as you can.”
Snow has fallen in the forest and the air is cold and misty.
Throughout the summer and fall, I took pictures of my rosebush by the back deck, focusing on one rose specifically that I took pictures of throughout its lifespan as a sort of in-depth study of its bud, bloom, full flower, and decline. I meant to do a post about the life cycle of a rose and include all the pictures as well as my sense of connection through it to the larger cycle of life, endlessly repeated. The moments passed and I never wrote the post, but today one small piece of what I thought one day as I tried to take a picture of it came back to me as I stood on the rocks. In the breeze, it is hard to steady the bush enough to take a non-blurry picture. Trying to steady it and thinking I would have to give up on getting a clear picture, I snagged my finger on a bramble and I thought about how patience is required for both tasks.
Here are some of those rose pictures:
And, here are some of today’s snowfall. The Wheel keeps on turning and I keep on watching (and living it).
So, two days ago I wrote about giving up the idea of personal perfection and yesterday I mentioned enjoying how the internet “smallens” the world. One of those smallening experiences is the opportunity to be Facebook friends with authors I admire and one of those authors is Jennifer Louden. She is one of my all-time favorite writers and I have her books—The Pregnant Woman’s Comfort Book, The Women’s Comfort Book, The Couples’ Comfort Book, The Women’s Retreat Book, and The Life Organizer (new paperbook edition and digital support kit is available now). I’ve read her books for years and return to them often—she has a unique ability to not be a self-help author, while still being helpful and about working with the self. I’m planning to work through The Life Organizer again beginning in January (I did it in 2008 and actually kept it up the entire year). Jen has always seemed real to me. Approachable. Authentic. Not fake or gimmicky at all. I don’t get the “sales” feeling from her, nor do I get a glitzed-up perfection image. And, though she writes about spiritual topics, I detect no touch of what I would semi-meanly call “shaman chic,” which is a surefire way to rub me the wrong way. Anyway, we’re Facebook friends and I comment at various times on her status updates, a recent one being:
“Be willing to look at your own life and want more for yourself without beating yourself up or making it about another self-improvement plan.”
Ooh! Such a good tip and yet one I wasn’t sure I could actually figure out. So, I commented to that effect: “I joke that I’m tired of my life being one long self-improvement project. However, I also want to reach my own potential!” She said she’d write a blog post for me and today, she did. See. World, smallened. So cool. While I perhaps didn’t explain myself in full—what I think I really meant when I used the word “potential” in my comment was that, “I worry about whether ‘self-acceptance’ can be a sort of a screen for hiding behind or an excuse for ‘giving up’ and not fully developing yourself”—I still loved and learned from the insights she offered in this post, especially this:
After I read her post with a couple of tears prickling in my eyes, I shared my done-with-perfection spontaneous woodsvision with her. I didn’t write about it here on the day it happened because I didn’t feel like I had enough time and besides it was kind of…weird.
I saw that this perfection thing was a white worm that was wrapped around my heart and also curved into the grooves of my brain. Sitting there on the rock in the woods, I unwound it. Pulled it out. It was long and ropy and invasive. I held it out in open hands and it floated off down the hill, dissolving into a million sparkles in the sunshine until I couldn’t see it any longer.
I felt lighter after this and like I really was, truly done. I don’t need that wormy thing any more. I had the same sense of certainty about being done with apologizing for things as well. Hope it really lasts!
Today, my woodstask was actually taking new pictures for our updated listings on etsy. See, sometimes there are visions, sometimes there are poems, and sometimes there is business. I love how the same space has born witness to it all over the course of the year. I feel like I both bear witness and am witnessed there in that same space. Earlier in the day I’d been thinking, again, about my dissertation. In shifting my thesis topic to my woodspriestess experiment, I feel more confident that I have something original to offer. It is an offering of myself and my own experiences—and a personal process of spiritual inquiry that I hope can be of some benefit to others. With birth as the focus of my dissertation, while I might have 200+ pages of notes and over ten years worth of reading, writing, and thinking, I’m not sure I have anything new to offer. However, looking at my sculptures, I felt a renewed sense of confidence that this is actually what I have to say that is new. These figures are my language and my lessons, the symbols of what I’ve learned, how I’ve grown, and what matters to me. I’d already decided to “frame” my thesis in the context of my sculptures and I feel somewhat confident that I can draw that over to my dissertation and use a sculptural framework for my narrative as well…
P.S. I also decided that I’m not going to waste my energy fretting over literally getting my daily post published by midnight. When I say “today,” I’m not talking about the day we’ve technically just slipped over into. I’m talking about what happened before I stayed up past midnight and finished this post!
“No lesson is learned immediately. There is a phrase used in West Africa, deep talk, which means that anybody will understand it on a certain level. People who are interested in really understanding more take that lesson deeper. As far down as you take the advice you could still go deeper if you lived longer enough.” –Maya Angelou
I really like this concept of deep talk, even though I’m not totally sure I completely get it. I’ll keep living and see what I learn…
I already wrote a short post tonight on my other blog in which I mentioned being amazed sometimes about how the internet “smallens” the world. It is truly incredibly. Last month, I got a message from Nané Jordan, who I quoted in my original thesis proposal. She happened to find my blog post and offered to send me a copy of her own dissertation and thesis on birth/women’s spirituality related themes. The package arrived today from Canada and I am very much looking forward to digging into her work. I’m also sending one of my own pewter goddess pendants back to her and I love that we’ve made this connection, through words and ideas, from across the miles.
As I sat on the rocks this afternoon, looking at her dissertation and thesis, I felt really concerned about my ability to do this. To dig this deep. To so deeply engage with my ideas. I flipped through her work thinking, how did she DO this? I worried that maybe I think too casually—skimming over the surface in internet soundbites and the blank safety of a computer screen, when I should really be wrestling in the mud with my theories. Dibbling, dabbling, working in bits and pieces and fragments and hurried scraps, rushing along. Do I think deeplyenough to carry a project of this magnitude and effort through? Then I thought about how just a few minutes ago I stepped the wrong way in the leaves and twisted my ankle a little. The cat bit my hand and I smacked at her in an un-spiritually-evolved, non-zen manner. I thought about how I stepped on an armadillo in these woods and I knew something after all: this is my mud and I’m wrestling in it with my theories…
“We need to approach our state of mind with curiosity and open wonder. That open curious listening to life is joy—no matter what the mood of our life is.” –Charlotte Joko Beck
(*both quotes again from the daily reader, Open Mind, by Diane Mariechild. Love this book!)
“My writing is a practice. It requires that sort of daily repetition and solitude—being with oneself—awareness—awareness of one’s body, awareness of one’s thoughts, awareness of one’s own process. And meditation makes me more aware of everything I do, so it makes the movements within my writing process clearer to me.”
–Susan Griffin (in Open Mind, 10/16)
It is interesting to see that I’ve decided to begin this new daily writing practice at a time in which I don’t feel much like writing any blog posts! Hmm. Today, my time in the woods was abbreviated slightly by the return of my small children, but before their voices came floating over to me, I was sitting with the sound of woodpeckers. There were at least three different ones near me of at least two types and it sounded like there were more that I didn’t see. As winter steadily approaches, I’ve noticed that there is much less bird song in the forest lately, but today (warmer) the woods were alive with the sounds of birds and squirrels. Woodschorus.
Sunset
Got obsessed with collecting acorn caps to make hats for Christmas ornament elves
A mysterious hole in the ground that wasn’t there yesterday.
Can you see the little woodpecker?
I’ve also noticed that while I enjoy being alone, I’m feeling a little cooped up and isolated lately–the Thanksgiving holiday meant that our usual weekly activities were different from what they usually are and I’ve gone nearly a week without seeing anyone other than my immediate family and my parents. My nerves feel a little shot by the voices of my darling children, I’m really feeling extremely done co-sleeping with my toddler daughter, and all three of them seem out of sorts and extra messy, wild, loud, disagreeable and irritable too. I think they also miss seeing their friends and going places.
With winter’s approach and the turn of the wind to cold, it has also come to my attention that I want to create some more sacred spaces inside my home. Before I began my woodspractice, I used to sit at my living room altar every morning and spend some time in prayer/reflection. Now, I’ve let it get a bit dusty and so over the weekend I spent some time cleaning it up and rearranging the items a little bit. Today when I sat down at my desk to work on my classes, I lit a candle and then designed to squeeze a little altar space in front of my textbooks 🙂
I’m having trouble allowing myself the moontime downtime my body calls for as well. Though I very nearly talked myself out of it AND very nearly apologizing for wanting to do it, I did carve out a small niche of time in which to participate in Paola’s New Moon Intention call this evening. I laid down with a heat pack with a candle and a pocket goddess sculpture as a tiny altar space and listening with my eyes closed to her voice and to the intentions of the other women in the virtual sacred circle. I’m glad I gave this to myself, even though it meant people were waiting for dinner.
Yesterday, I decided that I’m no longer willing to expect myself to be perfect. I’m done with that. I’m cleaning it out. Unraveling it from around my heart and brain. Done.
“Imitate the trees. Learn to lose in order to recover, and remember that nothing stays the same for long, not even pain, psychic pain. Sit it out. Let it all pass. Let it go.” –May Sarton (in Open Mind, 10/25)
“It is a long baptism into the seas of humankind, my daughter. Better immersion than to live untouched.” –Tillie Olsen (in Open Mind, 11/8)
In keeping with the swirling change of the seasons, I fell in love with this amazing picture of Shekinah Shaking Out the Seasons by Caron McCloud (Shiloh Sophia McCloud‘s mother). For some reason it came to me today and I felt absolutely transfixed by it:
I hope there is a print of this available someday because it must go on my wishlist! And, I signed up for her free “7 day aliveness challenge” too.
“The question about how to ‘understand’ her now clarifies itself, as the wrong question…perhaps interstand is what we do, to engage with the work, to mix with it in an active engagement, rather than ‘figuring it out.’ Figure it in.”
–Judy Grahn (in Open Mind, 10/8)
To interstand, we must be in relationship with what is happening (Diane Mariechild). After my realization in the woods this weekend about my thesis, I also remembered that December represents the anniversary of my decision to embark on my year long woods experiment. So, it seems like the perfect time to do a wrap-up month of daily posts—kind of a conclusion month as I both finish out the year and prepare my thesis. I did this in March and it was an extremely powerful experience in deepening my practice. I’ve been wanting to do another month of daily posts for a while now, but keep letting other things get in the way. Now feels like the right time though 🙂 Of course, the day is almost over and this is all I’ve managed, but that is part of the practice: doing it anyway.
I took a couple of pictures of little treasures in the woods this afternoon and also a better one of the tree I wrote about yesterday:
As I spent time today catching up with Open Mind, a book of daily meditations that I’ve loved reading this year, I found this delightful quote:
“It is now time for all women of the colorful mind, who are aware of the cycles of night and day and the dance of the moon in her tides, to arise.” –Dhyani Ywahoo (in Open Mind, 11/22)
And, it reminded me of one of my favorite new pendant designs:
(This one isn’t yet listed on etsy. If you’d like me to set up a reserved listed for you for her, let me know :))
I recently read an article about creating a sacred relationship with the land. As soon as I read it, I knew exactly who I think of as the guardian spirit of my own place in the woods. It is this tree. I’m thankful for the opportunity to get to know it.
“This generation is serving as the midwife for the rebirth of the Shechinah…This Goddess who shines on us as we study sacred texts is found in redwood groves and apple orchards. She is coming to us in the wind and the water, in the ocean and the mountains.” –Rabbi Leah Novick (quoted in Open Mind, 9/8)
This weekend as I sat on a rock looking through the “doorway” created by two more tree trunks at the Guardian Tree beyond and having the sensation that it was both a doorway to and a doorway from, I had a sudden crystal clear moment of revelation about my M.Div thesis project. This is IT. This woodspriestess practice and experiment I embarked on throughout the course of 2013—I’ve been working on my thesis this entire year, I just didn’t know it. I spent some time this afternoon writing a new thesis prospectus and it came flowing out. A Year of Lessons from the Forest. I’ve got this.
[My prospective content for my birth-as-a-spiritual-experience thesis plan is over 200 pages long, which also tells me that my thesis needs to re-become my dissertation plan (it actually WAS my original dissertation plan until I decided to take a detour and complete the M.Div).]
I also remembered spending a lot of time as a child with a big sycamore tree in the valley by my house. It was the guardian spirit of that place. There was a little sort of brambly grove by it with a rock pile (from past settler field-clearing) that I used to play in/on/by. I pretended that the tree had a keyhole in it and my magic key (that I used to wear around my neck), would open the trunk and that there was another world behind the tree. I called it Idlewild. (googled this and apparently it is a series of books that began being published in 2003. I was a kid in the 1980’s though, so I didn’t read them)
Here are some excerpts from that article I mentioned…
How To Create a Sacred Relationship with the Land
Here are some tips for establishing a bond with the land near where you live:
• Start with your own backyard, and apply the suggestions below. Hua reminds us that “every place is sacred.”
• By foot, explore new mountains, hills, forests, lakes, ocean sides, or other earth areas near where you live. Feel which places call to you. When you find a place you like, keep returning. Make a commitment to visit it at least once a month.
• Ask permission to enter any given place from what you feel is the “guardian” spirit of the place –– you’ll instinctively sense where it resides. What’s important is your respectful intention.
• State your intention for being there –– to love the place, say prayers, hear what it has to say, be of service, heal the land, honor the local ancestors, make amends for transgressions to the First Peoples, etc…
• Sit and feel your love for the place. That’s it. Just feel the appreciation you have for the beauty of the landscape, the trees, the plants and animals. Let Earth Mother and the visible and invisible elements feel your affection.
• Listen for messages. Get quiet and see if you can receive information –– and healing –– for yourself, others, Mama Earth, etc…
Bone wind has returned
mother of winter’s chill
sweeping through bare branches
and rattling dusty leaves.
The remnants of summer
have completely faded
and the doorway to the new year
has cracked open.
With the skeletal swirl of frost and freeze
I see the hint
of new things
waiting to burst from behind the door
Hibernating now perhaps
hunkered down to wait it out
resting, biding time, percolating
nestled in darkness
but, oh so ready, to grow.
It is only on the surface
that the world prepares to take a long nap
underneath the crust
change boils
life bubbles
new ideas gestate
and time crowns anew
with the promise and potential of birth
held in cupped hands.
The flame of fresh ideas flickers
and catches
until the blaze of possibility
envelopes the cold.
Winter is falling across the woods and I find myself filled with an amazing sense of promise and potential about the new year. 2103 has held a lot of transition for my family, it has held the grief of my grandmother’s death, as well as changes aplenty–some changes that are beautifully enriching, creatively inspiring, and relationship enhancing and some changes that have been difficult, sad, trying, and frustrating. Ever since the wind turned towards fall, I’ve felt a sensation of “fall cleaning.” Sweep it out, start fresh, begin again, take a break, pause, regroup, reform, re-try, launch, begin, start new things…I’ve felt it practically in terms of rearranging my house and going on various decluttering missions, but I also feel it inside—my own purpose, focus, priorities, and projects.
Deer Woman
running free
choosing her path carefully.
Stepping delicately
on crunchy leaves
picking her way through rocky hillsides
cautious, aware, watchful, knowing.
What’s that?
A sound.
Her ear is tuned
to the heartbeat of the earth
she walks in time with the wind
she is cleansed by raindrops and dew
and the fire of her own sweet breath
as she nestles with her fawn in secret places.
She knows the dark privacy of the forest
the cool side of the mountain
the warm sun of the field
she knows the taste of grapes on her tongue
the feel of wind on her back
and the joy of leaping, unbound.
She may appear timid and wary
yet she will not be boxed in
she will not be caged
she will not be fenced
she will dance wild and free
in moonlight
in sunlight
on stone
and on grass
in field and valley
running, running
and calling your name.
Come run with me
be free
leap the fences
leaving behind that which is narrow and confining
and sip the sweet raindrops by my side.
Watch
pay attention
assess
gauge
be alert and cautious
and run.
Run like the wind.
Wherever the beat of your heart
and Gaia’s horn might lead.
I don’t really relish having to wear hunter’s orange when I head down to the woods lately. The sound of nearby gunshots encroaches on my sacred ground and makes me feel a sense of risk. Tonight while standing on the rocks feeling uncertain rather than peaceful, I remembered that I wrote a poem called Deer Woman a couple of months ago and never published it. It felt obvious that the time has now come!
I originally composed this poem when startling some deer away from the rocks by accident several months ago. They’re often there in the morning, making me think of the other woodspriestesses who visit the same spot that I call “mine,” but which is home to many and belongs only to itself.
“In a way Winter is the real Spring – the time when the inner things happen, the resurgence of nature.” – Edna O’Brien
Other poems in the Woman series are linked to here.
Womanrunes: The Whole Moon.Rune of Psyche. Moon Energy and Mysteries. Cycles.
Cycles of life. Cycles of living. Cycles of love. Cycles of friendships. Changes. Growth. Some things blossom in the moonlight. Some things quietly curl up and retreat. Hope knows the mystery of the night. Our hearts know the mystery too. When we try to speak it out loud, it is slippery and undefinable. This is a stone both of paradox and change. Growth and decline. Effort, possibility, potential, and surprise. What mysteries are waiting for you in the light of the moon? What mysteries are waiting for you in the dark of the moon? What wants to be illuminated? What wants to hide? What wants to grow? What wants to decline?
Watch for the thin sliver of a fresh idea. Watch too for the fading crescent of that which has run its course. Reach out your arms to the mystery. Stretch them as a wide as you can. Stretch yourself as wide as you can. And, even then, know with joy that you can never embrace it all. This vastness. This void. This grandeur. This dramatic sweep of time and place and power.
Hold on. She ebbs and flows. The rest of life matches the tug of the moon. New things cresting, building, towering, standing tall. Then, crashing against the shore, pulling back, fading away, gathering strength and courage, and returning again and again.
It is time to listen to the whispers of your body as she is tugged to dance in the light of the moon.
The first post in my Womanrunes series is available here and all others here. The runes and the names of them come from Shekhinah Mountainwater’s Womanrunes system for which there are no written interpretations available other than the names and one word meanings. I’m engaging in a practice of drawing one and then going down to the woods with it to see what it “tells” me–basically, creating what I wish I had, which is a more developed interpretation of the meaning of each womanrunestone.
—
The timing of this stone was perfect, because the change of the seasons is so dramatically in the air right now. I’ve been planning to do another daily post project through November. However, I’ve also been feeling constrained by blogging lately, so I’m not sure if I’ll move forward with that project or not.
Some more pictures from this fall day:
A rose whose cycle is coming to its end.
Empty hickory nut shell left behind on the rocks. I think something was resting and having a snack today.
The last glory of my beautiful late October roses!
“We do not become healers. We came as healers. We are. Some of us are still catching up to what we are.
We do not become storytellers. We came as carriers of the stories we and our ancestors actually lived. We are. Some of us are still catching up to what we are.
We do not become artists. We came as artists. We are. Some of us are still catching up to what we are.
We do not become writers, dancers, musicians, helpers, peacemakers. We came as such. We are. Some of us are still catching up to what we are.
We do not learn to love in this sense. We came as Love. We are Love. Some of us are still catching up to who we truly are.”
–Clarissa Pinkola Estes
On my other blog this week, I wrote:
When I attended the GGG this year, one of the realizations I came home with is that sometimes I feel like people are trying to get me to be less (more about this some other time). And, I remembered a session I had with a healer who did a somatic repatterning process with me—one of the beliefs she tested on me was, “I am not enough.” It got a marginal response, but then she tested, “I am TOO MUCH.” And, THAT is the one that tested as true. I wonder how much about myself that I try to change or that I struggle with actually comes from the fear of being, too much. Too intense. Too active. Too talkative. Too much thinking, too much writing, too many ideas, too many projects, too much waving of my hands and pacing when I talk. Too, too, too, too much.
After writing the post above, I tuned in to ALisa Starkweather’s free call about embracing your fierce, feminine life. In a very poignant moment of synchronicity, she was talking about being “big” and “small” and that we are all both and can be both, but sometimes we are scared to be “big.” I also recently finished my final paper for my The Role of the Priestess course at OSC. One of the things I realized in the process of writing the three lengthy papers required for the course was that I’m still struggling with issues of insecurity and perfectionism. I also need more approval that I’d like to need and I am less self-confident than I’d like to be. I very often place pressure on myself to be perfect and I’ve noticed that accepting the priestess call has added another layer of something-at-which-I-try-to-be-perfect-and-when-I’m-not-I-feel-like-a-terrible-person-who-doesn’t-deserve-the-name. After having a slightly-insecure conversation with a friend a couple of weeks ago, I returned to a quote from Judy Harrow in an article we read for the Role of the Priestess course:
Mentors must never come to need our students to idealize us. As frightening as the pedestal is at first, it’s also frighteningly easy to get used to being up there. Whoever carries the idealizing projections of others can begin to believe in them and to enjoy the deference they elicit. If we succumb to this temptation, we put our own spiritual health in danger along with that of our students. Needy mentors will probably develop patterns of people pleasing and codependency. They will find it difficult to confront students on inconsistent or inappropriate behavior. They will be weak, and come across as weak, depriving students of exactly the perception of safety and security that they so need… –Judy Harrow
Oh no! I thought. I’m weak. Letting someone else see the self-doubt I tend to experience makes me a bad leader. ::::sob:::: Obviously, since I’m now writing about it, I’ve had a change of heart—while I don’t want to be so needy that I appear weak, I also don’t want to pretend to be so in-the-know and confident all the time that I prevent or inhibit authentic connection and shared human experience. When ALisa got ready to start the call, she posted on FB that she was “shaking in her skin.” That didn’t make me think she was weak, that made me think she was real and I heard that.
A lovely video from ALisa’s call is available here:
(Loved the song!)
The other thing I realized as I wrote my papers and pondered my lack-of-adequate-perfection, was that I really struggle with permission to be irritable/angry sometimes. That is one of the things that to me is just not allowed. Must always be nice and calm. However, since I do actually get irritable and snappy and critical and stressy-wigged out, I’ve then failed. Not good enough, again, dang it. And, I’m back to “who does she think she is” and “I don’t deserve this title/role/calling.”
<should I even write this, she thinks.Weak?!?!>
So…I went back to my saved recordings, since my inner machinations seemed very familiar, and I listened to a recording from several days prior:
A priestess does not always have to be nice
good
perfect
serene
calm.
A priestess can be fierce
she can be sharp
she can be a warrior
she can guard the temple
she can stand up
speak out.
A priestess is powerful
she is a woman who owns her own power
steps into her own life
and her own destiny
wearing the mantle
until it settles so deeply around her
that it becomes rooted in her bones and belly
as who she is
in every moment of every day.
One of my Halloween costumes this year. I was carrying my son’s toy sword for him at a party and a friend said, “warrior priestess!” And, I thought, *exactly*! 😉
A priestess will not be run over
she will not be downtrodden
she will not be oppressed
she will say NO
she will speak firmly
she will draw boundaries
she will hold space
with both tenderness and ferocity.
She will defend
she will build up
she will protect
she will guard
she will lead
she will serve
she will teach
she will share
she will not be silenced.
She will not stuff down or deny her own rough edges
in favor of a myth or a mystique
she will DO IT
she will keep trying
she will stand tall
she will lift her head
and she will say yes when she hears the call…
Then, I did one of the online free readings from Gaian Soul Tarot and I got this:
Unbelievably exact and what I needed to hear. The instructions say to trust your own intuitive reading of the cards before reading the text and I got it. I really did. 🙂
I offer what I offer I give what I give I share what I share I am who I am…
While I fulfill the role of facilitating priestess of our women’s circle’s quarterly retreats, other members each lead parts of our rituals and participate in the planning of the rituals before the event. Part of being an effective Priestess is the sharing of responsibility and the recognizing and cultivating of the skills, talents, and gifts of other circle members. In this sense we become co-circlers, rather than a hierarchical arrangement with one woman “in charge.”
In the book, West Country Wicca, the shared responsibility for the Circle is identified as well: “The Circle belongs to all who are in it. I have heard people in recent times say, ‘I wouldn’t have such and such in MY circle.’ But it is not THEIR circle. It is the circle of the coven. We had no permanent leaders when I was taught” (p. 17). Ryall also explains that, “The Priestess actively involved in the ceremony is merelythe key that unlocks the door, and the Goddess Power brought down into the Circle is for the benefit of all…(p. 27, emphasis mine). Finally, Ryall reminds us to have humility and not to confuse the priestess role with superiority: “There is a tendency among some people to develop a mystique as opposed to the Mysteries. It takes the form of, ‘I know something you don’t know, and you are not ready yet to know it, or I shall have lost my superiority.’ I am of the opinion that anyone who knows the right question to ask is ready for the answer…The Craft is simply a worship, through nature, of the One Supreme Initiator and a caring for everything on this planet. We are not engaging in amateur dramatics, with wardrobes and props; we are joyfully celebrating life in all its many forms” (p. 41).
At the Gaea Goddess Gathering in Kansas this year, during several of the sessions, I witnessed how easily a ritual can lose power when the co-circlers do not take the ritual seriously. It is easy (and simplistic) to point to the Priestess as the one who “failed” to hold the energy of the circle, but the responsibility for the circle belongs to all its members. Ruth Barrett in Women’s Rites, Women’s Mysteries explains the responsibilities of circle participants as such:
Ritual Priestessing is not for the faint of heart. If you fear chaos, the unexpected, or the unforeseen, choose another vocation. A ritual facilitator regularly finds herself in challenging situations that are not at all what she originally planned.
In order to facilitate others, you first need to know how to be a good participant. I don’t believe that it is possible for a woman to priestess/facilitate a ritual effectively until she first knows how to truly participate in one. What are our responsibilities as participants in a ritual? What can we learn from being a participant that can help us become better ritual facilitators? When asked about their responsibilities as ritual participants, some of my students listed these points:
• Stay focused, centered, and present. Lend energy when energy is required.
• Follow instructions given by the facilitators.
• Respect any guidelines or safety requirements.
• Avoid side talk.
• Take care of yourself. Check in with yourself periodically during the ritual.
• Take responsibility for your own experience.
I would also add “avoid heckling.” What does this mean? In my observations at the GGG, I noticed a trend for circle participants to call out different comments in a joking way, either across the circle or to the woman facilitating the ceremony. While it seemed to be done in a light-hearted way and perhaps was the local custom of this group of women, the effect on the group as a whole was striking. The “heckling”—at least to me—led to palpable energy “leaks” in the ritual container and resulted in a commensurate drop in the power and focus of the circle.
As I continue working on my degree at OSC and with my own local circle of women, I decided to start a new Facebook group for those interested in the priestess path as a serious commitment/vocation. I have been feeling a need for a space to talk over and explore the very real work of priestessing, not the seemingly image-based, “step into your inner priestess,” personal-empowerment oriented use of the word “priestess” I’m starting to encounter often online. I’m not talking about the Priestess as an archetype or inner image or as a self-esteem buzzword. I’m talking about the Priestess as a job, a calling, a vision for the service you’d like to offer to others.
While I’d like to flesh it out, the current description of said Facebook group is as follows:
This is a group for women involved in serious study/commitment to the priestess path as vocation, service, and calling. We recognize the priestess identity as an ongoing commitment of devotion, self-study, and an evolving initiatory process.
This group is especially intended for those interested in the practical *work* of priestessing.
—
Side note: You may also have noticed that I’ve changed the name of my blog (and soon my Facebook page also) to WoodsPriestess, rather than Theapoetics. I coined the word “Theapoetics” to describe what it is that I experience in my sacred woodspace. As my yearlong experiment has continued and one of my theapoetical experiences introduced me to the word “woodspriestess,” my Woodspriestess-themed posts evolved into the central component of the blog. Recently, I realized that theapoetics feels like something that I do or experience, while Woodspriestess feels like who I am. So, after petitioning Facebook, by next week, my page should be known as Woodspriestess instead. This is also the name of my blog at SageWoman.
New projects I’ve been working on with my husband this week!
I follow the footsteps of my foremothers Foremothers who
gave birth to me Me, a priestess of the Goddess Goddess we
draw down to us Us, the People of the Earth Earth that
supports us all All life, even you and I I follow the footsteps
of my foremothers.
This website/blog is copyright, WoodsPriestess. Please do not reprint without permission. When reposting a poem or quote on Facebook, please include an appropriate link back to this site.
WoodsPriestess 