“We do not become healers. We came as healers. We are. Some of us are still catching up to what we are.
We do not become storytellers. We came as carriers of the stories we and our ancestors actually lived. We are. Some of us are still catching up to what we are.
We do not become artists. We came as artists. We are. Some of us are still catching up to what we are.
We do not become writers, dancers, musicians, helpers, peacemakers. We came as such. We are. Some of us are still catching up to what we are.
We do not learn to love in this sense. We came as Love. We are Love. Some of us are still catching up to who we truly are.”
–Clarissa Pinkola Estes
On my other blog this week, I wrote:
When I attended the GGG this year, one of the realizations I came home with is that sometimes I feel like people are trying to get me to be less (more about this some other time). And, I remembered a session I had with a healer who did a somatic repatterning process with me—one of the beliefs she tested on me was, “I am not enough.” It got a marginal response, but then she tested, “I am TOO MUCH.” And, THAT is the one that tested as true. I wonder how much about myself that I try to change or that I struggle with actually comes from the fear of being, too much. Too intense. Too active. Too talkative. Too much thinking, too much writing, too many ideas, too many projects, too much waving of my hands and pacing when I talk. Too, too, too, too much.
After writing the post above, I tuned in to ALisa Starkweather’s free call about embracing your fierce, feminine life. In a very poignant moment of synchronicity, she was talking about being “big” and “small” and that we are all both and can be both, but sometimes we are scared to be “big.” I also recently finished my final paper for my The Role of the Priestess course at OSC. One of the things I realized in the process of writing the three lengthy papers required for the course was that I’m still struggling with issues of insecurity and perfectionism. I also need more approval that I’d like to need and I am less self-confident than I’d like to be. I very often place pressure on myself to be perfect and I’ve noticed that accepting the priestess call has added another layer of something-at-which-I-try-to-be-perfect-and-when-I’m-not-I-feel-like-a-terrible-person-who-doesn’t-deserve-the-name. After having a slightly-insecure conversation with a friend a couple of weeks ago, I returned to a quote from Judy Harrow in an article we read for the Role of the Priestess course:
Mentors must never come to need our students to idealize us. As frightening as the pedestal is at first, it’s also frighteningly easy to get used to being up there. Whoever carries the idealizing projections of others can begin to believe in them and to enjoy the deference they elicit. If we succumb to this temptation, we put our own spiritual health in danger along with that of our students. Needy mentors will probably develop patterns of people pleasing and codependency. They will find it difficult to confront students on inconsistent or inappropriate behavior. They will be weak, and come across as weak, depriving students of exactly the perception of safety and security that they so need… –Judy Harrow
Oh no! I thought. I’m weak. Letting someone else see the self-doubt I tend to experience makes me a bad leader. ::::sob:::: Obviously, since I’m now writing about it, I’ve had a change of heart—while I don’t want to be so needy that I appear weak, I also don’t want to pretend to be so in-the-know and confident all the time that I prevent or inhibit authentic connection and shared human experience. When ALisa got ready to start the call, she posted on FB that she was “shaking in her skin.” That didn’t make me think she was weak, that made me think she was real and I heard that.
A lovely video from ALisa’s call is available here:
(Loved the song!)
The other thing I realized as I wrote my papers and pondered my lack-of-adequate-perfection, was that I really struggle with permission to be irritable/angry sometimes. That is one of the things that to me is just not allowed. Must always be nice and calm. However, since I do actually get irritable and snappy and critical and stressy-wigged out, I’ve then failed. Not good enough, again, dang it. And, I’m back to “who does she think she is” and “I don’t deserve this title/role/calling.”
<should I even write this, she thinks. Weak?!?!>
So…I went back to my saved recordings, since my inner machinations seemed very familiar, and I listened to a recording from several days prior:
A priestess can be fierce
she can be sharp
she can be a warrior
she can guard the temple
she can stand up
A priestess is powerful
she is a woman who owns her own power
steps into her own life
and her own destiny
wearing the mantle
until it settles so deeply around her
that it becomes rooted in her bones and belly
as who she is
in every moment of every day.
A priestess will not be run over
she will not be downtrodden
she will not be oppressed
she will say NO
she will speak firmly
she will draw boundaries
she will hold space
with both tenderness and ferocity.
She will defend
she will build up
she will protect
she will guard
she will lead
she will serve
she will teach
she will share
she will not be silenced.
She will not stuff down or deny her own rough edges
in favor of a myth or a mystique
she will DO IT
she will keep trying
she will stand tall
she will lift her head
and she will say yes when she hears the call…
Then, I did one of the online free readings from Gaian Soul Tarot and I got this:
Unbelievably exact and what I needed to hear. The instructions say to trust your own intuitive reading of the cards before reading the text and I got it. I really did. 🙂
I offer what I offer
I give what I give
I share what I share
I am who I am…